Pilots and Passengers.
I’m sorry for the lack of posts and content over the past few days so I thought I would write an article to explain what has been going on.
My mental health has declined drastically over the last few days: It’s something that has been creeping up on me for a while and finally my bucket has bubbled over. For a while I have been able to deal with my anxiety and manage it, but at the moment it has returned with a vengeance like a tight ball sat in my chest. I sometimes feel like crying for no reason at all but for most of the time I don’t really feel anything at all.
There are a few reasons why I feel this way and what is affecting my mental health.
Dare To Fly
My pride and joy, my goal and dream is also what causes a lot of my mental health issues from time to time. I love creating content but sometimes I just can’t cope with the pressure of trying to make it work, trying to achieve my career goals. It sounds selfish in a way talking about wanting to be successful and being able to earn money from this content creation, but I love doing it and I have to earn money somehow.
The stress and worry of not earning any money and trying to find ways to start earning through my YouTube, Brand New Tube, and website is immense. It’s true that only I really have these high expectations and put the pressure on myself, but I need to be realistic and actually start questioning whether I can even do this for a living. I want to make this work, it’s just exhausting trying to find any way to earn money so I at least feel I’m going in the right direction.
Producing content can be difficult at times too since it’s just me doing the process: brainstorming, research, filming, editing… It’s a lot of work (which I do love) but sometimes I wish I had someone else to help take the load off or at least bounce potential ideas off of. Right now, my brain is full of cotton wool and I have no motivation to do anything – I feel really lost and can’t come up with any content ideas, and if I do, I don’t want to do it. If I had it my way I would just stay in bed and sleep all day, or just lie awake staring at the ceiling.
Would I say I feel depressed? In a way, yes I do. I just feel unfulfilled and unsuccessful, like nothing is working out right now. I fear that everything I have been working on is for nothing and that I will have to get a 9-5 job or end up working for a mainstream news outlet, which would completely go against my morals and beliefs. It’s like a constant feeling of dread that I’m chasing a dream that can never be caught.
I Need Structure
Throughout my educational career I did well mainly because I followed rules and had structure. As sad as that sounds, I thrived when following “orders” and being set deadlines or having to do set work, simply because it was a routine and I knew exactly what to do and where I will end up through doing it. This is partly because I’m very academic and my brain just works well with academic work and that sort of mindset: I didn’t mind writing essays or studying for exams because I knew I could do well if I put the hard work in.
I’m also a perfectionist of sorts regarding myself and my standards, I always have to improve and achieve the best, which can usually be done well if there is a set structure in place to get the best result. Whilst having high expectations of yourself can work wonders, it can also be very unhealthy and create unnecessary pressure as nothing ever seems good enough: Something I definitely need to work on! Combine perfectionism with anxiety and you get a lovely toxic blob of having to ensure everything is of the highest standard, best quality, and will be loved by everyone.
Although, one of the biggest forces behind needing structure is my autism. Part of my slight autism is that I need structure or a set routine in place and with this lockdown rubbish going on I don’t have that. I don’t have my usual gym routine to follow, no weekly trip into town, no planning social events or meetups. Plus working on a channel by yourself with no help and no idea of what to do, what will or won’t work is one of the hardest things to deal with as it’s like walking through thick fog whilst blindfolded.
I Don’t Like The World
What hurts the most and is linked to the other factors affecting my mental health is the global lie we are having to live through: The unbearable corruption, deceit, and pain we are forced to accept. Knowing that everything happening has been planned in advance is infuriating, especially when those who decided to put us through hell are seemingly getting away with it.
The agenda for mass genocide and depopulation that is taking place before our very eyes is soul destroying and it makes me feel hopeless that I can’t do anything about it. Being forced to exist indoors and abide by fake rules isn’t life: We aren’t living. It’s like being in a prison.
As depressing as it sounds, sometimes I feel that if I didn’t wake up tomorrow I wouldn’t mind. Look, I don’t feel suicidal or want to die, just that if I did die suddenly I wouldn’t be upset. I don’t fear death mainly because I know that the spirit world that is waiting for us all is full of love and light and removed from the hell we are stuck in on Earth.
Taking Time Away
Sorry if this has been depressing to read at all, but I feel like I should be honest and open about what is going on and how I’m coping. As you can tell, I’m not coping at all and it feels like a weird “early life crisis” where I’m completely lost and unsure of who I am or what I’m supposed to be doing.
I want to get back to making content including my longer style videos but it will take some time before I can get there and the cogs start working again. The last few days I haven’t done much of anything because I don’t know what to do with myself or don’t want to do anything at all – I could happily just sit in silence and exist. I’ve been forcing myself to at least go outside, exercise, and spend time with family so that I don’t fall into a trap of nothingness, which would lead to even worse mental health.
I’d like to say that if I don’t post a lot on Twitter or reply to any messages it’s not me being rude, it’s just that I can’t deal with people right now and just need to be disconnected from everything.
I hope you are all doing ok and I love you all lots, really sorry about all this.
Fly High, Fear Less.